Men and Women: How to Relate?

Our culture is obsessed with sexual themes, very similar to the Greek/Roman world of the New Testament. Since the “sexual revolution” in the 1960s, our culture has accepted many sexual practices and attitudes that are far from God’s ideal. The Scriptures lay out many principles that will help guide us as we struggle to “be God’s holy people in this corrupt generation” Acts 2:40.

In this article I will focus on men and women, especially those who are married, and how they should relate to each other. Those who are single and dating or engaged to each other will also benefit from some of these principles. I’m not dealing with other stuff like homosexuality, transgender, etc.

God’s Creation of Sex is Good

It’s important to note that God created sex, and he created us as sexual beings subject to sexual desires. It’s a beautiful thing when a man and woman marry each other for life and enjoy a sexual relationship. But God designed sex to be ONLY in the context of a marriage. God says in Hebrews 13:4, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous“.

For this reason I believe that men and women who aren’t married to each other need to be very careful about the nature of their interaction and contacts. We must recognize the inherent sexuality embedded in us by our Creator.

Behavior

There are many types of behavior related to this where there is disagreement. For example, is it OK for unmarried men and women to live together? Is it OK if there are several, or only one of each? Or is it OK if there is no current romantic relationship? Does having a romantic relationship change the way a man and a woman should relate? Can an individual married man or woman have a close friendship with someone of the opposite gender?

My position is that any situation where a man and a woman who aren’t married to each other or related to each other, (especially where one or both are married) are alone together in private settings, is potentially dangerous in a spiritual sense. Let’s consider this topic in light of biblical principles, three of which I will address here: temptation, appearances, and offense.

Temptation

Jesus told us to pray “lead us not into temptation” Matt.6:13. Yet some people lead themselves into situations of temptation. Paul tells Timothy to “flee the evil desires of youth” 2 Tim 2:22 and the Corinthians in 1 Cor. 6:18 to “flee from sexual immorality”. We need to consciously stay away from, and even run from situations where temptation can occur. Situations where we may succumb to that temptation. Proverbs says in a similar context, about an adulteress, “do not go near the door of her house” (Prov. 5:8)

Some might say that all of the above doesn’t apply to me; I’m not adulterous, I don’t have evil desires, I’m strong enough to resist, etc. To those I would say “wake up!” That attitude is not only prideful, but also dangerous. As Jeremiah 17:9 says, “the heart is deceitful above all things.” Deliberately putting oneself in places of temptation is a serious thing, although for kingdom purposes it may on occasion need to be done if God leads us there. But on the whole, it is God’s wisdom to flee from every temptation. We must recognize our weakness and that God created us with sexual desires. So we follow his principles, relying on his strength.

Appearances

Appearances and reputation matter. In a perfect world, like heaven will be, this wouldn’t be an issue. However, many scriptures point out that we as God’s people are to be holy, set apart from the world, looking different. Paul says that leaders in the church must have “a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap.” I Tim. 3:7. In 1 Thess. 5:19, Paul says to “abstain from every form (or even appearance) of evil”. Paul says in Ephesians 5:3, that “among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality”.

Yes, appearances do matter. When we put ourselves in positions that cause others to raise their eyebrows, even though we are innocent of any actual wrongdoing, it can be harmful to our reputation. Our good name is valuable in God’s sight.

I’m not talking about our reputation in the context of standing up for our faith. Some may persecute us for our beliefs and actions as a Christian. We need to expect that our reputations, in that sense, are meaningless as long as we are pleasing the Lord. And by saying appearances are important I’m not saying that we simply live our lives based on how we look. Looking good is not the most important thing.

I’m simply presenting the scriptures above in their context that our behavior needs to be different from the world. We shouldn’t let our reputation be destroyed because of an appearance or suggestion of possible sin. If our reputations are hurt because of our godly living and following Jesus, so be it. But let’s not let them be diminished because of our decisions to go where we are warned not to go.

Offense

Related to the above, this won’t be an issue in heaven, but in a world of sinful human beings, we need to pay attention to it. Like this quote from a preacher, “I’d rather be loving than right”, we sometimes need to give up our rights for the sake of our brothers and sisters.

For example, even if the first two points didn’t apply, and you are in a situation that is innocent in your mind, but the fact that you are in that situation causes another to stumble, isn’t that giving needless offense? In 1 Cor. 8 Paul talks about food sacrificed to idols. It was a big deal back then. Paul is saying, even though idols are not real gods, and it’s no big deal to eat the food sacrificed to them. But it IS a big deal if by doing so you cause another to stumble.

We are tempted to say “that’s their problem” but that’s not how Paul, speaking by the Holy Spirit, looks at it. It’s an issue of being loving rather than being right. It’s an issue of submission and obedience rather than going our way, even if our way is not technically wrong.

Bottom Line

So that’s the summary. I think scripture backs up what I’m saying. In my personal life, having been married for many years, I still make every effort to avoid situations where I am alone with another woman, whether it’s a business lunch or whatever. I haven’t been perfect in avoiding those situations due to work demands and ignorance in my earlier years. But I am increasingly convinced of God’s wisdom in this area.

I’m always aware that if I am in a situation like that, it could have effects:
I may be tempted. Most affairs don’t start in the bedroom; they start with seemingly innocent contacts and conversations and build from there.
My reputation could be affected. Someone may see me and not know the woman, and make assumptions or spread rumors.
I could be giving offense and causing another to stumble, as they see me and say to themselves “there’s a follower of Jesus hanging around with another woman”.

It’s all about living a life set apart, different from the world, holy, pleasing to the Lord, and giving up our “rights” for the sake of the kingdom of God.